


America's Brief Time in England

by americalovesthecockpit



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: America's POV, Crack, M/M, Smut, USUK - Freeform, lulz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-07
Updated: 2012-06-07
Packaged: 2017-11-07 02:59:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/426179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americalovesthecockpit/pseuds/americalovesthecockpit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>USUK. America sends England embarrassingly graphic texts on the way to visit. When he arrives, they have an awkward, gross discussion about sex that leads to awkward, gross fail sex. Written for the lulz.</p>
            </blockquote>





	America's Brief Time in England

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Pure crack, super horny America, and (fail) sexual content.
> 
> Written in America's POV.

"Hot damn!" I said as I stepped out of the airport and into the outside. "What a beautiful day!"

And I didn't mean it was a beautiful day in that gay way like the sun is shining and birds are singing and all that jazz. It definitely wasn't because it was raining because it's always raining in England, and the only birds I saw were pigeons, and they don't sing they just go 'vrrr vrrr.' No, it was a beautiful day because …

I WAS GONNA GET LAID.

Yeah, really! I was sooooo excited, you guys! I was just high-fiving random people on the street as I walked. I was just that happy about it. They were all like "Yeah, high five! … but what for?" And I was all like, "I'm getting some tonight!" And then they were all like "Hell yeah" or "What the fuck" or "Eew" depending on the person because I did it to a lot of people. Even children. Looking back that probably wasn't a good idea but hey sex was happening soon! Who cares?

I whistled a happy tune as I whipped out my cell phone. I needed to tell England I was finally off that plane and was coming to his place for the sexings. God, that flight had taken forever! Why do our countries have to be so far apart? So inconvenient when you got a boner and there's a whole ocean in between! Am I right?

So I broke out the cell phone and starting to text England. That douche didn't even come pick me up at the airport like he said he would! I mean, I could walk, but still. So annoying! Oh well. At least I was gonna get laid, ya know?

So I sent him this message:

'Sup dude im off the plain now! so i'll be over soon so be naked when i get their OK?'

It took him a minute to get back to me. At first I worried he wouldn't at all, then he texted me this:

'Shit. You were coming THIS week? I thought it was the next!'

Hehe. Oh, I was coming this week all right. (Get it? Coming? LOL)

We kept texting as I walked down the sidewalk:

'yeah it was this week DUH! i told u over 9000 times gosh! WTF is wrong w/ you'

'I could have sworn it was next week! This isn't good. I wasn't expecting you to visit.'

'well u got like 10 mins to be expectin! So get to expectin! cuz im expecting some hot sexings when i get there ;) '

'I'm not prepared for this!'

'oh man england im so horny'

'Shut up. I'm not even sure I can accommodate you tonight. You may have to stay at a hotel.'

'oh your gonna acomodate me alright. And by me i mean my dick in ur ass! :P '

'Stop texting me. I have some things I need to do.'

'dude i have been fantasizing about u the whole plain ride. i cant wait to ram my hard fat cock in ur tight little hole and fuck u silly into the matress til ur sore & cant walk teh next day cuz i stretched it and made it bleed & ruined it bangin u so rough :) '

'Damn it! What the hell is wrong with you!'

'u know u like it slut. u know u wanna suck my dick dry cuz ur thirsty for my cum & wanna drink it all nite long u whore :D'

'Holy shit, America!'

'gettin turned on aren't u? i know u crave my dick & think about it when ur up at night touchin yourself and stickin ur fingers in ur ass cuz ur a little slut XDDDDDD '

'Shut up, idiot! I'm not going to let you come over if you're going to be acting like this!'

'oh yea u are cuz ur just as horny as me. i know u want my dilicious cock inside u. u luv it. whenever i see pictures of u with the ur nasty food censored & blurred out u know what i think of? u sitting their eating a plate full of dicks cuz that's so u! cuz u luv dick U WHORE'

At that point I considered the possibility that I'd gone too far. But then I was like, naaaahh. Because the mental image of England sitting down to eat a plate full of dicks is HILARIOUS.

England didn't text me for a while after that. He must have been too distracted masturbating, I figured. I'm sure our conversation totally turned him on. I mean, it turned me on. I popped a boner and everything. I'm sure the people I was passing by on the street could see it too, but I didn't give a crap. Let them see! Because I was gonna GET LAID!

But it was still annoying that he wouldn't text me back. I mean, I can jerk it and text at the same time. It's called multitasking, duh! The only problem is sometimes you get cum on the buttons and then they're all sticky.

Even though England didn't text me, I kept texting him:

2:13 'come on dude dont ignore me. im so fuckin horny omg. u have no idea how bad i just wanna bend u over the table as soon as i get to ur house and bang u so hard omg!'

2:15 'look dont do this to me. i'll do stuff 4 u to. ill suck u off. God ill suck u hard & keep suckin til u cum like crazy & ill keep doing it til i get every drop like im milkin a cow! Just plz don't leave me hangin like this! :( '

2:17 'look ill even let u top too if u want. i don't mind goin to poundtown with u. youd like that right? fuckin me in the ass? its all urs dude if u text me back!111'

2:18 'LMAO look england itz my dick LOL! c==3

2:19 'wait shit no THIS is my dick c====================3 hehe yeah

2:52 'shit i think im lost. Goddammit y did i only bring a map of my own country? :'( '

There I was. Lost, alone, and horny somewhere in downtown London. It was cold and raining, and people just passed by without noticing me, despite my raging boner. Things didn't look so good for me. But then a miracle happened, boys and girls! England finally responded! Thank you baby Jesus.

'All right already! Just shut up, stupid git! I'll let you come over but you need to do something for me first.'

'OH FUCK YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!1111 I cant wait to get to put my penus inside u! ;D '

'I need you to go by the store on the way to my place and pick up a few items for me.'

'Nooooooo D: Stop cockblocking me dude! errands can wait im horny NOW!'

'Damn, you're dense. These items are because you're coming over. I told you I wasn't prepared.'

'I don't wanna! i just wanna hurry and get there & have some good buttsecks w/you'

'Listen, this is what I need you to get: condoms, lube, two enemas, poppers, milk, and bread.'

'LOL WTF milk and bread? ?'

'That's not for our bedroom excursion. I just happen to be out of them and need to get some more.'

'LMFAO u called it a excusion instead of butfucking'

'Shut up and do it! And don't bother coming over until you have everything I listed.'

'but englaaaaaaaaand! enemas are a waist of time I dont wanna deal with that shit!1'

'Um, exactly. That's why I asked you to get them.'

'GRRRRRR U R PISSING ME OFF :( '

'Just buy them and stop complaining, idiot.'

'STFU ENGLAND UR BEING A MEANIE!11'

'Ooh, you're using all caps. I guess I'm supposed to be scared, right?'

"CAPS RUUUUUUUUULE'

'Right. Well, I told you my conditions. Follow them or you're not coming over.'

'ugh FINE. Ill do it. WTF r poppers tho?'

'Are you serious?'

'yea im 4 real'

'You've never heard of poppers?'

'no wut r they? Like popcorn chicken? Cuz I can pick up some KFC if thats what u want'

'Ha, hardly. Wow, I can't believe you've never heard of poppers. Though now that I think about it, I don't think they're legal in your country.'

'tell me dude'

'Oh, you'll see. Just buy some and I'll teach you all about them tonight, okay?'

'oh dude. it sounds kinky as fuck.'

'You'll see. I think you'll have a lot of fun tonight if you buy some ;) '

Oh shit. England used a winky face. You know what that means! I really was getting laid, you guys.

SCORE!

X

I kicked at England's door because my hands were full. In one hand was my luggage, the other had a plastic bag from my new … purchase.

"Dude, open up!" I yelled, still kicking with my boot. "Knock knock knock! Yo, it's me! Ding dong! That's my impression of a door bell, ha ha! DING DONG DING DO-"

The door flew open. "Whoa, whoa! Don't kick my door!" said England, looking pissed off. "You're going to scuff it!"

"England! I'm so happy to … uh …"

At first I was like :D but then I was like :/ … when I saw England. He wasn't naked and waiting for me like I expected! Even worse, he wasn't even wearing anything sexy. Quite the opposite. He looked sloppy. He was wearing sweatpants! SWEATPANTS, you guys! And some very old looking, too big The Who band t-shirt that was all wrinkly like he'd been wearing it a while. Not sexy at all! If I wasn't so horny already, I'd be put off. But, you know. I was that horny so yeah.

"So," I started, smiling again because I remembered I was gonna get laid, "Where do you wanna have sex at?"

"Whaaa …!" England exclaimed, looking all flustered. "Idiot! You don't just show up at someone's house and ask things like that! Also, you should never end your sentences in a preposition."

"Okay, I have a preposition for you …"

"That's proposition -"

"… let's have sex in the bedroom! It's better than the couch. It gives me the most room for rolling around. I like rolling around."

You guys, England did not look happy. I thought he'd be all over me, grabbing my dick and dry humping me the second I walked through the door out of desperate horniness. But somehow I was wrong. He looked seriously pissed off, crossing his arms and giving me this angry, pouty face.

"You know, you and I need to have a talk."

I pushed myself through the doorway, because England is a bad hostess and hadn't invited me in. But I came in anyway, dropped my stuff to the ground, and stretched my arms.

"Your behavior," said England, using a stern, unsexy voice, "has been rather off-putting recently. No … wait. It's always been like this, hasn't it?"

I had no idea what England was going on about. I mean, I was listening and all. Well, not really. I was looking at him, and I was aware that he was speaking, but I guess I wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying. Because I was undressing him in my mind and picturing him naked and holy crap, you guys. It was frickin' hot. Imagination is fun!

"You see, you can't read the atmosphere," said England. "You just blurt out things that shouldn't be said. Like, for instance, those texts you sent me …"

"Huh?" I snapped out of it because I thought England had said 'sex' instead of 'texts.' Damn you, similar sounding words!

"They were completely inappropriate!" he continued bitching. "And now you just show up at my house and ask for sex. What makes you think you can be so candid? Normal people don't talk like that! You can't just say whatever you want. Have some restraint!"

Nag nag nag. That's all I heard him say. He's like a woman or something! Except at least a woman is good in the kitchen, unlike him.

Shit that was probably sexist. My bad, ladies!

"Dude, it's not like you didn't know I wanted to have sex," I said. "I'm pretty sure I mentioned it in my texts at least once or twice."

"Um, yeah, you made that pretty clear! But that's not the point! You shouldn't have said it first thing when you got here!"

"Urrggh. Can we argue later? After sex? Seriously, I'm so horny right now …"

He turned away from me, still crossing his arms. "This is exactly what I'm talking about. If you really wanted sex so badly, you should be romantic about it. Come inside, let your body language do the talking, kiss me, caress me, the only things said are whispers in my ear with hot, needy breath, making me want it …"

"HAHAHAHAHA!" I lolled. "That's hilarious, England! That's not what real sex is like. You've been reading too much Shakespeare or something."

"What the hell do you think of Shakespeare -"

"In real life, not like your romantic little stories, sex is like, 'hey, let's do it.' Wham, bam, thank you ma'am! … er … sir, in this case."

"It is not!"

"Yeah huh, totally is."

"Yes, well, it doesn't matter anyway. I'm not prepared yet, so go unpack or something for a while and maybe, maybe we'll see where things lead to after dinner if your behavior improves."

I was expecting sexy times as soon as I arrived, so his words were like a knife to my heart. No, wait. A knife to the dick.

"Oh, come onnnnn," I whined. "What the heck do you need to prepare? Let's just do it now! And then after dinner, too! Assuming I don't get food poisoning." Hehe, England totally set me up for that joke! At least one bad cooking zinger per encounter, that's how I roll, y'all.

"You're not getting anything if you keep that sort of behavior up!" said England, master cockblocker. "And I have plenty to prepare. I wasn't expecting you until next week, and I also wasn't expecting you to be here to soon after your texts either. How'd you get here so fast, anyway?" He glared at me like he wanted an answer. But I acted like I didn't know and didn't give him one. "Hmmph. Well, I was actually doing a lot of cleaning today. Various chores, cleaning up the rubbish, that sort of thing. So don't mind the mess."

I glanced around. Oh shit. England's house was kind of a mess. I hadn't noticed, what with me constantly imagining him naked and thinking about banging him since I got there. I assumed his house would be all neat and tidy since he's such an anal guy (LOL anal) but it was pretty messy. Cluttered and all.

"D-don't judge me," said England. "It's not usually like this! I'm in the middle of rearranging things, so it looks a lot more unorganized than normal. It was going to look neat by the time I thought you were going to arrive next week!"

Like I gave a shit. His house could be a giant pile of trash with maggots crawling on it and I still wouldn't care. I didn't come to fuck his house in the ass. As long as I was getting some, I really don't care!

"You're putting off sex to finish doing chores?" I asked, cracking up. "Pffft, that's so lame. Screw the cleaning, let's bone."

"It's not just that. I've been working for hours. I'm sweaty and stinky."

I shrugged. "So?"

"So I need to shower!"

I shrugged again. "Dude, I don't care if you stink. I was on a stuffy flight for hours and then got lost wandering the streets. You think I don't stink too?" I lifted up my arm and sniffed my armpit to check. Yup, there it was. Deodorant only works for so long against my super manly smells! "Yep! I definitely stink too!"

"Ugh," said England, making a face. "That just means you need a shower too."

"We're just gonna get sweaty and stinky from sex anyway, so what's the point in taking a shower?"

"Because it's gross!"

"Hey, I got an idea …" I leaned in closer and grabbed the bottom of his shirt. "Let's take a shower together …"

But he pushed me off. "No! We both need real showers, where we actually get clean! If we have sex in there, we're not going to concentrate on actually washing ourselves."

Gosh, England was soooooo annoying! All I wanted was buttsecks but he was being a bitch about it. He says I'm the one who can't read the atmosphere, but apparently he can't read it either! Because my 'atmosphere,' whatever the hell that is exactly, was saying I wanted to screw like crazy! But I guess England couldn't read that! Now who's the dumb one, hmm?

"Speaking of preparation, go ahead and get out those enemas," said England. "Just so you know, I'm not promising anything right now. But just in case things do get … err … heated later, if your behavior is better I mean … I would like us to be ready."

"Yeah, uh, about that …"

"What?" he asked, looking really pissed again. "I don't like your tone …"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you."

England deadpanned. "You didn't get the enemas, did you?"

"Hey, you guessed the bad news! Good job! You're so smart."

"Yeah, nice try. Buttering me up like that won't work."

"… oh."

"Huh?" England looked at me weird. "What's with that face? Oh God, what is it now?"

I took a step back. Just in case England tried to hit me. "… I didn't get the lube either."

"Idiot! Do you want it to hurt? !"

"Jeez, dude, calm down! I thought we'd just use butter or Crisco or something." I learned the butter part from that movie. Last Tango in Paris! Leave it to France to get creative with anal sex, am I right? No wait, that movie is Italian …

"Ugh, no. I don't want to do that." England rubbed his head. "Ohh, I have a headache now from arguing with you and your stupidity."

How cliché. 'I have a headache, I don't wanna have sex, wah wah wah.' Gosh! What does a guy have to do to get a little ass? ! Oh, wait. England told me. It was just stupid. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And believe me, I was pretty desperate, boys and girls.

While England was still rubbing his head and sighing and being all pissy, I suddenly scooped him up. I held him bridal style against my chest.

"What the fuck? !" he yelled. "Put me down!"

"Hey, I'm just trying to be romantic! That's what you wanted, right? I'll carry you to the bedroom."

He squirmed, but I was too strong for him to get away. "This is not romantic!"

Crap, what was that other stuff England wanted to do? I'd already forgotten. Oh well. I'd just wing it. I leaned down and started to kiss at his neck. That's kinda romantic, right? Sweet, at least. I did it all tenderly and crap too. Anything if it led to sex, ya know?

I thought England would shudder, moan, and be putty in my hands when I did that. He'd be like 'oh never mind all that bullcrap I said earlier, just put it in me, America! You big handsome stud!' but nooooooo. He just got more pissed. He grunted and pushed away my face with his hands.

"Get your tongue off of me!"

"Huh? You didn't like it? I thought it was sexy."

"Look, it's just … umm …." England squirmed again, but quickly fell limp (LOL limp) again in my arms. "I'm not prepared for this. Like … mentally prepared."

"Oh, so you're just not in the mood, huh?" I started to walk toward the bedroom. You know where this is leading, don't you boys and girls? "If that's the case, I can get you in the mood! It won't be hard."

Hehe, I should have still it will be hard. Get it? Hard? Like his dick? Hot damn I'm funny.

We arrived at the bedroom, and I kicked open the door. I like kicking doors. I carried England over to the bed. Yeesh, that room was kinda a mess too. The bed wasn't made, there was dirty laundry and things on the floor, just all cluttery. Guess he really wasn't expecting me this week. Oh well. Sex was gonna happen! Who cares about that other stuff? My dick didn't!

I dropped England on the bed. "Oof," he grunted. "Christ, don't just throw me on here."

I climbed on the bed with him. "So!" I started, getting really excited. "What do you wanna do first? Which position? I'm up for anything!"

England sat up, rubbing his head again. "Uggghhh … America, you don't listen at all, do you?"

I leaned closer. "Hmmm?" I said with a big grin like :D because I was super excited about the sex.

"You don't just toss someone on a bed and ask what sexual position they want! Remember what I said earlier? About reading the atmosphere? And not saying just whatever comes to mind?"

"Haha … you said come."

"See! This is exactly what I'm talking about! You're so stupid and vulgar!"

It was hard for me to listen to him. I noticed he'd somehow put himself into an Indian style sitting position while he crossed his arms. I couldn't help but think he must be pretty flexible to find that position comfortable. And flexible is hella sexy.

"Now, listen and listen carefully," said England. "This is what is going to happen. You are going to unpack and I am going to finish up my chores. Then we will have dinner. Then we both have showers. Separately! Then … then … maybe, just maybe, if you can shut the fuck up and be a little nicer, and things naturally progress that way, and I feel up to it … then we can do this."

"Noooooo, that plan sucks!"

"Shut up. You need to be nice to me or you're sleeping alone tonight."

Gosh darn it all to heck! At this rate I was never gonna get laid!

"Now," said England. "Go get the milk and bread and bring it to the kitchen. I need to get the milk in the refrigerator before it spoils."

"I didn't get the milk and bread."

"What! I told you in the texts to get them!"

"Yeah, that was the other part of the bad news! I forgot to tell you."

"I also told you not to bother to come over if you didn't get everything I asked! And you have the nerve to demand sex the second you walk through the door …"

"I'm sorry, England." I gave him the best puppy dog look I could. Really. I made my eyes big and watery. Like big quivering blue pools! I'm a good faker! "I just wanted to get here as fast as possible to see you. Please forgive me …"

"So that's how you got here so fast, you lying bastard! You just skipped out on the errands I asked you to do!"

"Hey, I didn't skip all of them! You saw that plastic bag I had, didn't you? That was the good news I was telling you about!"

"Yeah, whatever. We'll see if that even matters after dinner." He waved me toward the door. "Now go. I want to change these sheets anyway. It's been a while and I'm embarrassed you even saw them like this."

"I don't care if the sheets are dirty! I really don't, England! All these details are so unimportant when I just want -"

"Don't say it!" he interrupted.

I was gonna say 'sex' if you didn't figure that out. But England cut me off, and was really angry when he did, so I shut up. To sit in an uncomfortable silence. I glanced around, looking at his messy room, but of course my eyes fell back to England. God. I didn't care about the sweatpants and BO and all that … I just wanted to grab him and fuck him senseless into the bed.

"Go already!" England finally said, pointing at the door.

"Hey …" I smiled at him, my handsome hero smile. "Can I at least have a kiss before I do? A goodbye kiss?"

England was still scowling, that piss pot. "I don't see why I should."

"Because I'm hot!" England didn't look amused when I said that. "I mean …because you're so awesome and great and nice and cool and all that. Yeah." Still not happy. And then … neither was I. "God, it's just a kiss! Don't be a dick about it!"

England sighed. Maybe he was tired? "Oh, fine. I'll give you a kiss if you promise to be nicer for the rest of the evening."

"Okay!" I scooted myself closer to him. He was still sitting Indian style. I slid right in front of him, sitting on my knees. He didn't move closer to me, so I figured I had to do the initiating. I leaned closer to him until I could catch his mouth. I parted his lips with my tongue and slid it in. I licked inside, wriggling my tongue all around, but I didn't feel England do anything to me.

I pulled back and made a face. "Eeeeew, England, your breath freakin' reeks!"

England blushed and gritted his teeth, looking really angry.

"Ugh, seriously!" I said. "Your mouth tastes gross! You need a Mentos or something."

"Fucking twat! I let you kiss me and …! You …!" England looked so flustered! It was funny. "I told you not to say things like those and you keep doing it anyway! Even after you promised!"

"I'm sorry, dude. It's just … wow. I wasn't expecting that. What the hell have you been eating?"

"I had some leftover toad in the hole with Yorkshire pudding for lunch. And no, I haven't brushed my teeth since then!"

"I don't know what the hell that is … but it sounds friggin' disgusting."

"Here we go again! You know, this is one of those things I was talking about! You don't just say someone's mouth tastes bad after kissing them. You just keep that to yourself."

"Aw, don't get all pouty. I don't really care. I still wanna bang you."

"Well, since you're apparently not afraid to be blunt, I will too! Your breath also stinks!"

"Ha ha ha!" I laughed. "Yeah, it probably does. I haven't brushed my teeth since before my flight, and that was forever ago! I've had like five meals since then."

"So we'll add this to the list of things to do before the possible sex: brush our teeth. Yet another reason we're not prepared for - hey, what the hell are you doing? !"

I was taking off my shirt. "I'm taking off my shirt," I said.

"I mean, don't!"

Too late! It was off and I tossed it across the room into the pile of other dirty clothes. "I was tired of wearing a wet shirt. You know I was in the rain for a while, right? It's annoying when it's wet like that … it clings and rubs against me and makes me cold …"

"Oh, quit your whining. That's just an excuse. I know you just wanted to take it off to try to seduce me."

"Oh? So you admit me shirtless is a nice thing to look at, huh?" How could England resist? I'm totally hot. A real catch! Women cream themselves when they see me shirtless, that's how good looking I am. All my muscles and all. So I flexed a little to show England. "Pretty nice, huh? I shaved my chest. Nice and smooooooth."

"I … I see," said England, though I think he was lying, because he looked away.

"Pssst, hey, England …" I whispered with a silly grin. "You wanna know a secret?"

He looked back to me, looking confused. "What?"

"Last night … I shaved my balls."

"DAMN IT, AMERICA!" England yelled. You guys should have seen the look on his face! His eyes practically bulged off his face! "What the hell is wrong with you!"

"Whaaaaaaat? I thought you'd like it! I did it for you!"

"No, I didn't mean - I just … I … I didn't want you to just say it like that! You don't blurt out random sexual things in that manner! Will you ever learn? !"

"You can say it if you're about to have sex." I nodded. "Mmmyep."

"We are not about to have sex!"

"Then why are you hard?"

"Huh?" England looked down to his sweatpants. I did too. Actually, I was already looking there, hehe. "I'm not hard!"

"I know. Made you look!"

"Idiot!"

Suddenly England flopped backward on the bed. He was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. He sighed really, really loud. Still tired, I guess? I don't know why else anyone would sigh …

"Yet another reason I'm not prepared …" he said, still staring up. "Not only have I not shaved, but I haven't even … umm …"

"Neatened up? Eh, I don't care. It's just hair, whatever, dude."

"I'm going to feel self conscious if you're completely smooth and I'm all … you know …"

"Rocking hairy balls? Ha ha ha …" I LOL'd. "I told you I don't mind!" I just wanted sex, ya know? I don't stress the little things. Unless the little things are the dicks! Ha ha! But that's not the case for England and me. We both got it going on. Especially me. But you guys knew that already, of course.

I snuggled up to England. I laid beside him, resting my head on my arm. When he saw me do that, he flinched like he was gonna move. But then he sighed again and stayed there.

"So are you gonna tell me what poppers are or what?"

"Heh," said England. "You actually got that, huh?"

"Yeah, you made it sound so kinky. It was the only thing I ended up getting."

Crap. England tensed again. "What! You mean you didn't even get any condoms? !"

Darn … maybe I shouldn't have admitted that. "But Englaaaaaaand! I friggin' hate condoms! They take away all the sensation."

"Tough shit! That settles it. There's no way we're doing anything without a condom."

"Nooooooo!" I whined. "Let's bareback it. Just this once. It'll be okay!" England was giving me this 'HELL NO' look so I used some logic on him. Yeah, I use logic! Don't underestimate me! "Look, hear me out. Wearing a condom is like wearing a rain jacket in the rain, right? Well, it's always raining in your country, and you always give me crap about using umbrellas and ponchos because you guys go without or something and … well … you get where I'm going with this, right? It's like an analogy!" (LOL analogy) (If you didn't get that one, it has 'anal' in it)

"The expression is rain jacket in the shower … but no, I don't care."

"You know … I was thinking …" England finally looked away from the ceiling and at me when I spoke. But he didn't look very happy. "The fact that you insist so much on wearing condoms means really bad things, doesn't it?"

"No," he said like I was stupid (though of course I'm not.) "Safe sex is a good thing."

"Yeah, yeah, sure … but think about it for a minute. We're both dudes. It's not like either one of us is gonna get knocked up. So what's that mean?" He didn't answer me, he just kept staring at me with this pissed off face, so I continued talking. "So that means the only reason we would need to wear them would be for diseases. So I guess you think I'm some filthy whore you're gonna catch something from!"

England quickly sat up. "I never said that!"

"Why else would I need to wear a condom? It's insulting! Seriously, dude!" I sat up too so I could stay as close as possible to him. "You think I get around that much? Ha ha, I wish I did! That'd be awesome! But for some reason my game isn't really is great as I make it out to be …"

"I see …" England didn't look mad anymore. He just looked away from me at the floor. "But you really shouldn't have admitted all that …"

"Or is it the other way around?" I gave him an accusing look. "You want us to wear condoms because you don't want to give me anything …"

Well, the angry look on England's face was back. That didn't last long! "Huh? ! Are you accusing me? !"

"Yeah, I bet you're a slut! I was just messing around in those texts but I guess it's the truth! Mr. Erotic Ambassador."

"Hey, I never said I was the Erotic Ambassador! That was all France's idea!"

"You sure brought up France's name pretty quick. Y'all bone each other a lot or just every now and then when you're so horny you can't stand it? Come to think of it, you're pretty chummy with Japan too. You getting it in with him, too? Then there's that chick you get all awkward with … what's her name again … Sey-something?"

I would have kept going with all the possible sexcapade partners of England, but he was getting very red. And not in a 'I'm so horny I'm flushed' red but a 'I'm so gonna kick your ass' red.

"And then there's Canada … I've seen you eyeing him like he's me …" Oh crap, I lied. I did continue. Had to get one more in, hehe.

"Shut the hell up!" he literally screamed at me. "For your information, it's been so long that I can't even remember the last time I had sex!"

It came out of his mouth so fast and angry and defensively. It caught me off guard and for once I didn't know what to say in response. I sorta just looked at him like WTF. Then I guess he realized what he said, because he blushed even harder, looking just as shocked at his words as me. He looked away nervously.

How the heck can you not know when you last had sex? I mean, I remember that stuff to the minute. Yep, for me it was last year, 4:23 to almost 4:25 PM in a hotel room one night during the Vancouver Olympics. Good times, y'all, good times.

"I-I mean … I used to do it more often …" said England, still being nervous and awkward. "… back in my delinquent days. But in recent times, not so much. I keep to myself most of the time. Splendid isolation, I call it."

"Hmmph. What's so splendid about not getting any?" I pouted because England had apparently forgotten our minute and a half of ecstasy. "And how could you not remember back at the Olympics? You know, after the men's singles ice skating finals in the hotel room?"

"Oh shit." His eyes widened "I did forget that. Though I hesitate to call what we did actual sex … I mean, you pretty much just spasmed in and out of me with the finesse of an epileptic for a minute until you came."

"Minute and a half! Get it right, gosh!"

"Heh. I suppose I forgive you. Now that I know your rotten attitude keeps you at near celibacy. You were just too pent up and randy that day."

Silly England. When did I ever say my 'attitude' was the thing that kept me from getting more action? Surely it's just because I'm a busy guy. Too busy to get busy. That or people are just too intimated by my awesomeness, duh. I just didn't correct England on his dumb mistake because, you know. No point in arguing more when all that does is lessen my chances of getting the sexings.

"So now that the cat's outta the bag about us being total failboats at getting sex, can we just skip the condoms?" I asked with my most innocent smile I could fake. "If we had anything, we'd have known about it by now, right?"

England looked a little grossed out. "Ugh … I never really thought you or I had anything. It's just … you know … I feel safer using one."

"I got an idea. What if I don't come inside you? Like I pull out?"

England blushed even deeper. "Th-this conversation … is getting really out of hand. You ask those kinds of things so casually like you're asking the time or weather or something. It's so awkward."

"Sooooooooo … is that a yes or no? To the coming inside thing?"

"You're not listening to me! You're kidding yourself if you think you're getting anything tonight with that attitude. I'm still furious about you implying I whore myself out to France and the others …"

"Ha ha ha ha!" I laughed. "Dude, I was just kidding about that! I was pretty sure you hadn't been sexed up in a while."

"Eh? How the hell did you know that?"

I pointed to the nightstand. "Because you left your dildo out."

England looked in the direction I was pointing. On the small table beside the bed, a big blue dildo sat right out in plain sight next to a bottle of lotion. I was like XDDDDD but England practically choked.

"Fuck!" he yelped as he tried to reach over me to grab it.

But I was closer and got it first. I held it out of his reach and laughed. "Pffft … had a lonely night last night, huh?"

"Damn it! This is so embarrassing!"

"Aw, don't be embarrassed," I said as I waved that floppy thing in his face. "Everybody does stuff like this. I mean, I got this sock at my house, oh mannnn … if I didn't wash it I could crack it in half …"

England was covering his face, but I could still see how red it was. "Oh God … hearing about you being disgusting does not make me feel any better …"

"You get it though? Because I jerk into it and then the cum dries and -"

"I got it! Ugh, shut up!"

I must have hit something on that dildo, because suddenly it started vibrating like crazy. It startled me and I dropped it. It fell on the sheets in between me and England. It was so loud, just humming like VRRRRRRRRR and I could feel the vibrations through the mattress. I was like WHOA because I didn't realize it was a vibrator. I also didn't realize what a high setting vibrators could have!

"Dude, England," I said while cracking up. "That's hilarious!"

"Christ!" England snatched it up. I think he was trying to turn it off, but he fumbled with it. It was vibrating so much I could see England's hand shaking with it.

"You know …" I let my voice drop to my sexy voice. You know, a bedroom voice. Lower and smooth. Yeah, I can do it like that! Don't underestimate my charms, y'all. "That thing is about the same size as me …"

"Eh?" said England, though I could barely hear him over the VRRRRRRRR of the vibrator.

"Guess you fantasize about me when you use it?"

England still couldn't turn that thing off. It and his hand holding it were like a blur. "Heh, don't flatter yourself!"

I gave him a smexy look. "You should use it in front of me …"

"What? No, I told you no sex yet!"

Unf. He said yet! Pish posh to all his empty threats of no sexy times, he clearly meant to get busy too. Just … later. "Hey, I didn't say I was banging you … I just wanna see you use the dildo on yourself."

"No! I'm already embarrassed enough that you saw it at all! I meant to put it away but I forgot you were coming over …"

"Come onnnnn …" I begged. "Pretty pleeeeease? With a cherry on top? I'll be your best friennnnd …" The whole time I was talking, England just shook his head. "Come on, give me a little pre-dinner show! It'll be fun!"

"I told you you'll be lucky if you get anything after dinner! Because at this point - what the hell are you laughing at?"

I was cracking up again. This time because I was looking at England's lotion. "Why the hell do you have 'blueberries and cream' scented lotion to lube yourself up? Ha ha! You want your ass and junk to smell like a fruity breakfast or something?"

"N-no! I was in a hurry when I bought it! I wasn't paying attention to the labels!"

"Yeeeeeahh … you had to hurry home to jerk it, huh? Ha ha, that's so you." I leaned over and pushed down on the spout to get some of the lotion. The white stuff spurted in my hand. "Pfffft, it looks kinda like cum, huh?" I sniffed it. "Smells a lot better though."

"Your commentary … I could really do without it …"

I put my hand on the dildo, which was still vibrating in England's hand. He was holding it by the base, but I touched it on the shaft part. I gripped it like a fist and smeared the lotion on it as I moved my hand down.

"Wh-what are you doing?" England stammered, suddenly getting nervous. "That's sick! I haven't even washed it since I last used it!"

I slowly started to pump it like it was a real dick. The vibration felt funny on my hand. It made my hand look blurry too, but that was okay, because I knew what I was doing. It's not like I don't know my way around a dick. I mean, I got one. I gots lots of practice.

"Meh, I don't care," I said. England was watching this really intently. My hand sliding up and down his favorite toy, slicking it white with the lotion, shaking like crazy from the vibration. He could have pulled away the dildo, but he didn't. He just held there and watched me work it.

Suddenly I saw him take a big breath, then look away like he was trying to pretend he hadn't. I looked down and sure enough, I saw exactly what I wanted to see. Sweatpants are a dead giveaway for boners! Which was exactly what England had now. I saw it, the bulge in those ugly pants. Standing right up.

So I was like WHOOOOO SUCCESSSSSSSS! England is hard to get all riled up, but once ya do, it's hard for him to turn back. At least, that's how my experience with him has been. He's a pervert at heart, you guys. Even more than me, I swear!

I wanted to tease England, so I gave the dildo a lick at the tip of it. His expression looked horrified. So of course I continued. I took it into my mouth and made the loudest, slurpiest sucking noise I could.

"God, America!" he suddenly said, his voice all funny. "I told you I didn't wash it!"

"I knoooooow," I said, but very strangely, because the vibrating in my mouth made my voice tremble.

He pulled it out of my mouth. I tried to make that nasty popping noise on purpose. You know, that sound of a dick coming out of your mouth? And I succeeded! He cringed when he heard it.

"Ugh, you're disgusting."

"You don't seem to miiiiind …" I cupped England's erection through his sweatpants. "Seems like it turned you on!" I patted it over the fabric, feeling the outline of his shaft, which was really hard.

England sucked in a big breath. "M-maybe! But I still think it was gross!"

I rubbed hard, grinding my palm into the bulge. "Come on … lemme see you use the dildo … it'll be so hot …" England didn't really respond. He wasn't looking at me, but seemed to be staring off into space, with half-lidded eyes. So I grabbed England's cock through the pants and started to pump it.

"Ahhh …" he hissed, squeezing his eyes shut. My hand got faster. As I jacked him off, his hips gave a quick thrust up. Then he did it again, grinding his erection against me. So then I stopped moving my hand, but held it there, just so that he could be teased by the heat but no movement. He grinded his hips against me again, then started with jerky movements to dry hump my hand. Yes, stuffy old England who kept bitching about not being prepared for sex, was desperately dry humping my hand!

"Ha ha ha …" I laughed. "Someone's eager, huh?"

"Don't fucking tease me …"

"Okay!" I said cheerfully. "Will you tease me then?" He looked confused, but then I held up the dildo, still vibrating like crazy. "Let me watch? Please?"

There was an awkward silence. No, wait. No there wasn't. Because there was still that loud VRRRRRRRRRRR noise.

England seemed to be really thinking about it. Longer than I thought he would, as horny as he seemed. But when he finally answered, it was all grudgingly, "I guess I will … but don't you touch it. Just let me do it."

"Yay," I said. This was gonna be quite the show! I pushed up my glasses in anticipation of it.

England took a deep breath and gripped the top of his sweatpants. He slid them down and I saw that he was totally freeballing it that day. I mean, so was I, but only because I knew sex was gonna happen so I skipped them for easier access. But he didn't know, so that just meant he liked going commando for the hell of it.

His hands were trembling a little as he dragged the sweatpants down his hips. He scooted up and around awkwardly, trying to fumble out of them. I giggled at how clumsy he looked, and he shot me a glare, because he totally has no sense of humor. "Sorry, sorry," I said even though I was still laughing. "Keep going."

Finally they were off. He balled them up and tossed them at a laundry basket. He tried to backboard it off the wall, but he missed and they fell to the side on the floor.

"Ha ha, nice shot, dude."

"Shut up," he snapped. "And g-give me that lotion."

I handed him the bottle. I was getting so horny watching him squirt it on his hand, rub his fingers together, then squirt a little more. I squirmed anxiously because of the way my boner was chafing me in my pants, but I didn't whip it out, because I was pretty sure England would yell at me if I did it too soon.

England then turned away from me. He got on all fours, giving me quite a view. Of his ass, if you couldn't figure that out.

I held up the dildo. "Aren't you gonna take …?"

"Hold on, Jesus. I'm not just gonna shove it in there. I need to prepare myself."

England and his prepping! Gosh! He was so slow as he reached his hand back. It was shaking, which I thought was kinda weird. He lowered his front to the bed, so that only his ass was propped up into the air, spreading him a bit more. Slowly, oh way too slowly, he touched his asshole with his finger. I was holding my breath in excitement, but he was hesitating to push it in. He sorta just felt at it, brushing against it, his sphincter muscles quivering and tightening.

"Put it in already!" I said.

"Shut up! This isn't easy for me to do …"

"Why? It's just a finger. Push it in!"

He growled at me, but in a pissy way, not a sexy way. A few more seconds of just wasting time, and he finally pushed it in. As he did, I saw his entire body clench tight. His finger stopped, barely an inch in. Then I heard a sound - a very weird, low sound. It was kinda like, "Uuuuuggggh …"

"What? What's wrong?"

"I-I can't do this. I'm too nervous."

"Why? You apparently take a whole dildo with ease, so what's the problem?"

"Idiot, it's you that's making me nervous …" He pulled his finger out and flipped back around. My lovely view was taken away from me as he sat down on his knees and looked down at the bed. "It's just been so long since I've been with someone, so it's awkward, you know?"

"But it's me. We've known each for like forever!"

"Well, your behavior isn't helping … all these embarrassing things you keep saying and mentioning even though I've asked you to stop."

"What's this mean? We can't do anything since you're so uptight?"

He still wouldn't look at me. "I-I don't know. I tried, but I was so tense that I clenched up …"

"You just need to relax! Whaddaya want, me to give you a massage or something? 'Cause I'll do it if that's what it takes." … to fuck you. That's the end of that sentence, ha!

"Like I want your dirty, unwashed hands all over my body …"

"How can someone be so anal about doing anal? !"

"Shut up and go get the poppers."

I raced out of the room, trying not to let England hear me giggling HEHEHEHE as I ran back to the front of the house. I grabbed the plastic bag from earlier, then dashed back into the bedroom.

I hopped back on the bed with England. "So tell me what this stuff is!" I said as I whipped out one of the small bottles. "They look like little energy drinks!"

England held out his hand. "It's kind of hard to explain. I think it's better I just show you."

"Oooooooh," I oo'ed. "Okay!" I handed him the bottle.

England untwisted the top of the bottle. Then he held his nose over it and took a big whiff. Like SNIFFFFFFFFFFF.

At first I was like WTF. I didn't waste my money just for something that smells good. I was about to get pissed but then England made a face that made a wet spot appear on my pants from precum.

It was like half horny, half high. No, wait. He was completely horny. At 100% horniness capacity. But also like … high. So that didn't make sense. Mathematically. Percentages can't be higher than 100! It was like 100 of each, which is 200%. Which is not mathematically possible! But 100/100 is 1, because any number divided by itself is 1. And whatever he was was waaaaay higher than 1 of anything! But 50/50 just doesn't appropriately describe the horniness to highness ratio! And I can't have a fraction with a larger number on top because that's just improper!

Wait a minute, what the hell I was I doing? England was naked and hella horny in a bed with me, and I was thinking about MATH? The only math I should have been thinking about was dividing his legs and adding one dick! Am I right?

England was getting back on all fours again, facing the opposite direction of me. His ass stuck up like it was on display. "Get the dildo," he said.

"Whoa, England," I said as I picked up that VRRRRRRRing thing. "This is a side of you I don't think I've seen!"

And by side, I didn't mean his ass. I'd seen that before. I meant his super horny side!

"Do it," said England.

"Don't be rude about it, sheesh …"

I started to reach for the lotion again, to get my fingers good and slick (and fruity smelling) but England made an impatient grunt. "Don't bother fingering me," he said. "Just jam it in there."

"J-j-jam it in? !" I asked like WUT. "You couldn't even get one finger in there a minute ago!"

"It's all right. Just do it."

England and Nike said to JUST DO IT, so that's what I did. I had that shaky, buzzing vibrator in my hand, pulled one of England's ass cheeks back farther with the other, and shoved it right up inside. Just BAM! right up in his ass.

I couldn't believe how easily it went in! His asshole just swallowed it up. There was no tensing or clenching or anything! England didn't even cry out, but just made a soft huffing noise, mostly from his nose.

"You okay?" I asked because somehow he'd taken the entire thing, and my hand was almost pressed against his ass holding onto the base of the toy.

"Yessssss," he hissed. "Move the vibrator."

I began moving it in and out of his asshole. It wasn't very hard to do. It slid so easily. I watched closely, his hole just eagerly accepting the rubber or silicone or whatever that thing was made of. No quivering or puckering, just a welcoming entry, like an open door.

… yeah :/

"England, what the heck is going on?" I asked, still thrusting my hand with the dildo.

England was mostly silent. Though I did hear a few quick grunts mixed in. "Mmm?" he said like he was not really listening to me.

"You went from being waaaaay to uptight to this!" I said. "And when I say 'uptight' I mean literally. Your asshole was too tight about something being up there."

"Mmmm …" Goddamn did England look high. "It's the poppers."

'Squelch squelch squelch,' said the dildo in England's asshole.

"I still don't get what they aaaaaare!" I whined because England so totally wouldn't tell me, JEEZ!

"It's an inhalant that … ahh …" England paused to moan. "… th-that relaxes the sphincter and … well …"

"Well what?"

"… enhances sexual pleasure…" He let out a big, shuddering sigh. "It makes you feel so warm …"

'Squelchsquelchsquelchsqelch,' continued England's loose asshole.

"Wait a minute." My hand still didn't stop moving. "Are you saying this is DRUGS? !"

"Ermm … technically, yes …"

"WHAT!" I exclaimed. I was so shocked I almost pulled the dildo out. But I didn't. "DRUGS ARE BAD!"

England had slumped so that his front was lazily on the bed, with just his ass in the air. "Oh, don't start …"

OMFG, you guys! I couldn't believe it! Me, the hero of this epic tale, had been tricked into buying drugs! Drugs! I declared war on drugs years ago! Because they're bad! Duh! Everybody knows that! Except stupid people who use drugs, of course. But that's because they're too busy snorting marijuana and smoking heroin to realize it.

"England, you need to learn to JUST SAY NO!"

"God, you need to learn to shut the fuck up during sex …"

"Huh?" Oh, yeah, I was dildoing him, wasn't I? Wait … is dildoing a word? I dildont know. "England, it's not sex unless I'm getting it in!"

Suddenly England made an irritated sounding noise. But surprisingly it wasn't because of me. I know, I'm as shocked as you!

"Shit," said England over the eerie silence.

"What?" Then I realized my hand felt funny. "Oh, your vibrator stopped!"

"The batteries must be dead."

I pulled it out and looked at it. "Yeah, probably. You got any more?"

England flopped down, letting all his weight rest on the bed. "Um … hmm …." He appeared to be thinking really hard. But he was probably having a difficult time because he was still kinda high and DRUGS ARE BAD! "… somewhere, I can't remember …"

But I could preach about the evils of drugs later. You know. Like when I wasn't horny. "Hey, how about that?" I pointed to the TV remote control on his bed. "I could take them from that."

"Eh? Oh, yeah. Do that."

I grabbed the remote, flipped open the back piece, and shook out the batteries. I grabbed the vibrator again, but then I stopped. "Oh, it's screwed."

England was face down now. "Huh?"

"The little place where the batteries go - it's screwed shut. You got a screwdriver?"

"Bollocks …" he muttered.

"I might be able to get it with a pen." I looked at it closer. "No wait, never mind. I need a Philips head."

England didn't reply.

"England?" I called to him, looking down to where he was laying.

"… I think my high's worn off," he said finally.

"Well, GOOD! You shouldn't have gotten high in the first place because drugs are bad and you're a bad person for doing them."

"Shut the fuck up."

I fiddled around with the dildo for a little more, then just tossed it aside because whatever.

I scooted back closer to England. "Get up already, silly! We got boning to do."

He wouldn't lift his head to look at me. "Umm … "

"What? Don't tell me you don't want it now! Because I'll know you're a liar!" He couldn't deny it! After all, we all saw England's eager butt hole! Well, I did anyway. Y'all just got my recounting of this riveting tale. Sloppy story seconds.

"No, it's just … I'm embarrassed."

"This again! Gosh!"

"No, you don't understand." England's voice sounded weird. "It's for a different reason now."

"Why? You know I don't really care, right?"

"Look, I'm … I'm not as young and virile as you." I didn't know what the hell 'virile' meant, but England flipped himself over onto his back and I was too distracted to care. But not in a good way. Because England was starting to go soft!

"HAHAHAHAHA!" I laughed. "What, you can't keep it up? !"

"Shut up!" he snapped. "I'm not like you young brats, getting hard when the wind blows! These things take a little more effort at my age!"

"Ohhhh … please don't talk about yourself like an old man. That's not what I like to think about when I'm getting ready to bang you. It's creepy!"

England buried his face in his hands. "Damn, this is so embarrassing. I can't believe I actually went soft in front of you …"

"Hey, whatever. Why not take some Viagra, old man?" Oh, whoops. I reminded myself! Violated my own rule. Creepytown, ugh.

"That's a drug, you know," he said all smug for some reason.

I don't know why England thought that was amusing. I mean, he's completely wrong. It can't be a drug because drugs are bad. Duh! Everyone and their mom knows that.

"It's all right, England," I said. "I bet I can coax it back. I don't mind being your fluffer!"

"Goddamn, I'm so embarrassed," England was still saying even when I put his dick in my mouth.

It was weird having a limp penis in my mouth. I'm used to the feeling of a hard one. CRAP I didn't mean that like I suck dick all the time, I just meant I've never had a flaccid one in my mouth! Shit, now y'all probably think I blow dudes like it's my job or something.

"'ssokay," I mumbled to England.

So I went to town on England's cock, trying very hard to get it to come back to life. I licked, sucked, slurped, bobbed my head up and down it, the works. It was a gradual process but slowly and surely it started to get hard in my mouth.

"'ai aw urts," I slurred over his cock.

"What?" England stopped ruffling my hair and looked down.

I pulled back, sliding him out of my mouth. "I said my jaw hurts."

"Just … just do it a little more."

I didn't really want to, for various reasons. First of all, my jaw really was starting to get sore. And England tasted really bad. Like sweaty, salty, unwashed dick. And every time I deepthroated I got a face full of pubes. And I was already so horny myself that I felt I couldn't last much longer!

But whatever, I did it for him anyway. Didn't wanna risk him going soft on me again. So I continued working my mouth over him. I sorta just zoned out as I suckled, thinking about things like why did they ever do away with the Domino's Oreo Pizza when it was such a good idea? Then I started to think about how KFC's Double Down (that's the sandwich where they use pieces of fried chicken as the bread! MMM!) was almost as good an idea as that and then I felt England's hot cum in my mouth.

I gagged because I totally wasn't expecting that. That and it tasted like shit.

"Mmmph!" I choked, pulling back and spitting his wad into my hand. "What the heck! You could have warned me!"

"Fuck, I'm sorry!" exclaimed England surprisingly. "It just sort of happened!"

I spit a little more, then wiped it on the sheets. (He said he was gonna wash them anyway, remember?) "Um, okay, whatever. Now I gotta start all over though."

I leaned down with a sigh to do blowjob number two, but England pushed me away with his hands. "Ugh, don't bother."

"Huh?"

He looked away. "I told you I'm not as young as you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Don't waste your time." He was glaring pretty hard at something. He still wouldn't face me. "I … I won't be able to get hard again for at least a couple hours."

"HOURS!" I exclaimed. "Jeez, it takes me like minutes!"

Then he finally did look at me. Except he was all pissed off. "Cut me some slack! Are you forgetting I'm centuries old? I could go for multiple rounds when I was your age too, but time takes its toll on the body."

Eeew, creepytown again. I don't like being reminded of our age difference. I was gonna tell him that, but I was too busy fishing a pube out from between my teeth. Little bugger just didn't wanna come out.

England sighed, rubbing his head. "Christ, that was humiliating. I can't believe I came before we even started."

"And in my mouth!" I added, finally pulling the pube from between my teeth. "I gagged and everything!"

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. Like a sheep. "I do feel a bit guilty for not warning you. If you want I suppose … I-I suppose you can still finish."

"Even though it's not really gonna feel good to you?"

He shrugged, trying but failing to be coy about it. "If you want. You're still hard, aren't you?"

"BOY AM I!"

He flinched from how loud I was, then laid back on the pillow. " … then go ahead, I guess …"

"COOL BEANS!"

This was it, guys! I was finally gonna get LAID! See? I told you I would. Y'all may not have believed in me, but I never lost faith. Jesus would never allow such a travesty.

… though it's not as fun when your partner is limp and already sexually satisfied.

But hey, still counts right? :DDDDDDD

I ripped off my pants like I was the Incredible Hulk going into a rage and shredding through all his clothing like he does. Except I wasn't on an anger rage, I was on a boner rage. Because I had a raging boner. By the way, I don't recommend doing what I did at all, because taking off your pants when you have a raging hard on should actually be done a bit more delicately! I kinda bent it in half for a second, which hurt like a bitch.

"Jesus, be careful," said England, wincing. "That looked painful."

"O-oh, you saw that? Hehe … whoops."

I got back on the bed, climbing on top of England. I was on all fours, straddling myself above him. England's face was still flushed, and he looked up at me with a look I couldn't quite read. It wasn't lusty, unfortunately. But it wasn't quite 'just get this over with' either. Something in between, I guess. Oh well. I'll take what I can get.

"You don't need to prepare me," said England. "I'm still loose from before."

I grimaced because hey, I didn't want to think about him being all loose, ya know? "Soooo … just jam it in?"

"Just push it in," said England. "I said you don't need to prepare me, but that doesn't mean you don't need to be gentle when you first put it in, idiot." That kinda pissed me off, because he was the one who said to jam it in earlier, back when he was high on poppers. But whatever. I gripped my dick and prepared to 'push' it in, but then England was like, "Whoa, whoa! You forgot to lube up!"

"Darn it," I mumbled. I had to find that lotion again. Finally I did, because it was right where I left it, and I squirted some on my hand. "My junk's gonna smell like blueberry muffins for days now," I said as I slicked up my dick with it.

"What are you complaining about, pudgy? You probably like that."

I licked my lips. Because yeah I did. "There. Look at it. Lubed up enough for you, your highness?" I was being sarcastic, by the way.

"Umm …" England raised his head to look. "Yeah, looks like it. You can drop the sarcasm though."

"Hey, I learned it from you."

That shut him up. After all, it was true. What else could he say but :|

But that's not a good sex face. I changed it a lot when I jammed my cock inside him. Whoops, I mean pushed it in. Yeah. That's what I did. Y'all believe me.

England grimaced, trying to get used to my cock inside his asshole. "Ouch," he muttered. Then I started to move my hips. He squirmed and whimpered, then tried to push me off. "Stop, stop, stop" he whined.

I stop stop stopped. "What? !"

"Thissssss …." he started, hissing in what sounded like pain. "… is a bad position. Get off me for a tick."

"Gosh darn it."

I sat up and let him flip over. He laid there for a few seconds, making a hmmming noise then a tutting tsk noise. "No, not this either," he mumbled to himself, then flipped himself on his back again.

"Make up your mind already!" I said.

England finally stopped rustling around the sheets and stopped. He was on his knees and elbows. "Okay, now I'm ready."

"Ooh, doggy style, huh?" I climbed on top of him, pressing my chest against his back. "I approve. ARF ARF!"

England sighed. "… please do not ever bark during sex again. Ever."

"But dude, this doggy has a bone! You gonna take it, bitch?"

"HEY!"

"Haha! Get it? Because a bitch is a female dog?"

Now England was shaking his head. "You never stop saying dumb things, do you? Not even during sex. We talked about this earlier … did you even listen to me?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry, England, I wasn't listening to you. Hey, can I put my dick back in you now?"

He sighed again. What a sighy guy. "Never mind. That's fine."

THIS WAS IT. AGAIN.

I jammed - no, crammed - no, rammed - no, slammed, NO! - ever so gently pushed my firm member delicately inside his warm, accepting tightness, feeling the heat engulf my manhood, tingling up my spine to warm the cuckolds of my heart -

NO WAIT. Scratch that. I did kinda just jam it in after all. LOL what the hell was I typing a minute ago? That sounded gay.

Then I started thrusting in and out. England's back started to bend from my weight (NOT THAT I'M FAT OR ANYTHING) as I took him doggy style from behind. And the bed went creak creak creak, really loudly for some reason. I guess he has an old bed. I'm not fat.

"THIS IS AWESOME!" I sexclaimed. Hehe, yeah. Sexclaimed.

England snorted. I couldn't tell if he was chuckling at me or kinda sighing through his nose.

Thrust thrust thrust thrust FREEZE.

England opened his eyes. He'd been squeezing them shut pretty tightly. "What? What's wrong? I'm not changing positions again."

…

"… America?"

…

"… answer me, wanker-"

I fell limp on top of England. And then because of that, England fell on the bed, squished by me. "Oof," he grunted.

"Whooooo, that was great," I said.

England was squirming from under me. "Huh? You're done already?"

I rolled off to lay beside him. "Aaaah," I yawned, stretching. "Yup! I'd ask if it was good for you too, but you ruined yourself, so sucks for you."

"Whaaa …!" started England, looking confused. "Was that even ten seconds? !"

I let my eyes shut. I was tired from all that cumming inside of England. "I dunno. I wasn't counting."

"Bloody hell! Even at the Olympics you lasted a full minute!"

"MINUTE AND A HALF!"

"How anti-climatic …" he said, sighing again. "Wow, America. You're awful at this."

'This' being sex, you guys :(

Suddenly England snuggled up close to me. Which startled me for a second, but then I relaxed again. He rested his head against my chest. I was gonna tell him to go get something to clean up this mess because I could already feel our fluids starting to dry and get crusty. But then he started talking.

"But you know … it was kind of sweet."

"Huh? What was?"

His eyes fluttered shut. "The way you didn't care about anything. How the house is a mess, we're stinky, and sweaty, and our pungent breath … and the hair … and I-I don't know … it was sweet, how you just took me for who I am, not phased by any of those flaws …"

"Mmmyeah," I replied. "Go make me a sammich."

England made that snorting noise again. "Heh. Idiot. I might have if you had bought me some damn bread like I asked you to!"

Oh yeah :(

The end!


End file.
